INSOMNIA

       It’s one of those nights. I’m sure you have all experienced it. You are so sleepy. You go to bed. Two hours later your eyes pop wide open and every “to-do” item begins marching through your brain, along with old memories, and all the “what if’s,” and the worries over children/grandchildren, or maybe a sibling or parent that is having problems.

       I should sleep because I have so much to do tomorrow. But you can’t sleep because you can’t stop thinking about all the things you need to do tomorrow (or perhaps “today” because the wee morning is already here.

       How can I stop this? How can I shut off my brain?

       Well, usually it can’t be done. TV gets so boring … all those old shows you have watched for 50 years and know all the lines to … all those tedious shopping networks … all those advertising programs, vacuum cleaners, magic spot removers, leg exercisers, massage mats, hoses that crinkle back into a fist-size ball … you know what I mean. Late-night/overnight TV is incredibly tedious and repetitious.

       My biggest problem with sleeping through the night is thinking about all the stories I still want to write, as well all my characters from all my books. They are so alive to me, and I can’t help hoping they will live on long after I am gone. It’s a nice feeling to know I will leave something behind for others to enjoy, and that a part of me will still be with my readers and with future readers I will never meet.

       I guess I’m getting too sentimental here. That, too, seems to move in with force in the middle of the night. Seems like every memory and emotion becomes exaggerated and magnified when you are lying awake and staring at the ceiling.

       I refuse to take sleeping aids. They can be habit forming and I usually feel crummy in the morning. I figure if I can’t sleep, I will get up and do something … write. That is why I am writing this blog. I didn’t plan it at all. When I blog, it is usually spontaneous, and usually at 2:00 am or some such ungodly hour. I never have slept in. Ever. If I sleep past 7 am I feel guilty for being so lazy. Even when I am wide awake at this ridiculous hour, if and when I fall asleep, I still don’t sleep past 7. But 99% of the time I am awake again at 4:00 am and I get up and get things ready for the day, like laying out some clothes, putting away dishes from the dishwasher, making coffee, packing a little food and notebooks for my part-time job at Whirlpool, things like that. Sometimes I pack my laptop because I write everywhere, including at work when things get slow.

       That brings back memories of writing itself. That’s how I used to write when my boys were little and I had a full-time job. I did what I call “sneak writing” at work and I wrote through my lunch hours. I wrote early mornings. I wrote after supper and into the night after the family went to bed. I almost never watched TV because it took away from my writing. I wrote in the corner of the living room in our then-tiny house while the boys wrestled and goofed off 3 feet away and the TV blared 5 feet away. I learned how to block things out. I got lost in my stories and ignored everything else. I will never know how I did it or when I slept, other than knowing I never got more than 4-5 hours of sleep at night.

       My only problem now is that it’s a lot harder for me to sit for hours and hours at the computer, and it’s harder to multi-task like that. It takes me longer to finish a book now, and that’s one of the things I lie awake at night thinking about. I think I should just get up and write, but I’m a bit worn out … kind of like a brick layer or someone on an assembly line or a waitress who has spent years on her feet. The body just gets tired. And for a writer, even the brain gets tired.

       Thank goodness, I still have lots of energy … but not the energy I had “back in the day.” That doesn’t mean I’m not writing, because I am, and I intend to keep doing so for however many years I have left on this earth. I just don’t turn out a book every 4-6 months like I used to. So, please hang in there with me because I still love writing and love my characters and love all of you readers for sticking with me and supporting my writing.

       Meantime, here I am wide awake. I am printing out the first 4 chapters to IF I LOVED YOU, which I have edited over and over. After all the books I have written, somehow I have been doubting myself and feel like I just can’t get this story right. But, as I have done before, I decided I had better just keep going. The stories usually always work out, and by the time I finish, I already know how to handle the beginning. But I will save an explanation for how I come up with my stories for another blog.

       I hope you are enjoying the summer!